My Symptoms don’t match my Reality

Some can find it hard to open up about what’s going on, in their hearts, minds and spirits.

It took me decades to cultivate the strength to change the patterns and habits of behavior that try to pull me down.

I’ve made many mistakes and have had many triumphs.

I starting having more triumphs than trials once I started opening up.

Many would say that I’m entirely too open.

But many don’t understand that closing up again is a death sentence and PTSD the executioner.

Death tried to take me once already.

His pale horse dragging me through the pits of guilt and despair only to leave me to do his job for him…………I failed.


Start finding your story and start telling it.

Good stories and bad ones need to be heard.

“My symptoms don’t match my reality.”

A mantra I developed to help me snap out of a PTSD triggered moment or episode.

In some cases it’s a quick snap back, I evoke this mantra and my rational self recognizes the irrational and I step back and away from the abyss.

In other cases I have to repeat this mantra over and over again until it strikes the intended target.

With an aggressive trigger I’ve noticed this mantra works relatively fast and I’m able to stabilize in under an hour..and I believe it is because of the nature of the reaction, an aggressive trigger is there to fight.

A threat has been perceived and an aggressive trigger manifest to destroy the threat. And so when I start hitting the aggressive trigger with the rationale that my symptoms don’t match my reality, it’s easier to recognize I’m guilty of “friendly fire” and I can snap out of it.

A depressive trigger has been much more difficult to manage. It’s a different beast entirely than that of an aggressive trigger. A depressive trigger works on different centers of the brain, slowing you down as it increases the gravity that pulls your heart and soul down.

This trigger I’ve identified as the one that compels guilt, self loathing and suicidal thoughts. This depressive trigger can last for days or longer and isn’t as easy to identify as an aggressive trigger. And while an aggressive trigger has a person visibly angry and is socially upsetting.

In my opinion the depressive trigger is the one we need to focus on. These depressive episodes are the ones that drive you to drink and self medicate, they put you in a depressive slump and if left unchecked, open you up with suicidal thoughts and actions.

Recently an innocent conversation triggered a depressive episode and it’s been three days so far without relief. And as I will myself to recognize my reality, the tides of depression wash over me.

With an aggressive trigger I’ve cultivated a degree of patience in which I understand the adrenaline will subside and I will equalize.

These depressive triggers however are a force of nature. A horribly cold and dark storm that I just cannot simply shout away. Instead, I scrap together tinder and begin to try and light a fire to keep me warm as I endure the storm.

My symptoms don’t match my reality is the mantra that motivates me to put this fire together.

My love for my family is the tinder and my faith in God is the flint.

Please Jesus be the spark…

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